DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity  stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name
to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741GP,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the hospice shop,
they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and
press them into your eyes.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a
window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway
and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.